Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How does one acquire holy water?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
