She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
