You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
