I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
