Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Drunk is not a location!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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