I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
