U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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