Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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