I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
