I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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