please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
