Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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