so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
