i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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