I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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