the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
