Only a mothe r could love this liver
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
