U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
