Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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