I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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