I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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