How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
