life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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