no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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