I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
