he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
