I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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