i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
