last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
