i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
