my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
