woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
