why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
