The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
