It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
