I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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