I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
