i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We are two peas in an std pod
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
