There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
