just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
