The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
