what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
