My hand turned me down
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
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