My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
