i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
