new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
