have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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