Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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