I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
