Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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