Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
