there's paper in my vomit.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
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